I Do Not Fill Voids Or Relieve Loneliness: I Love

No one has an obligation to alleviate anybody’s loneliness, as well as fill each and every other person’s void. In a relationship with a partner, those who seek to heal the voids and problems of the other, without worrying about themselves or moving forward with a common plan, can end up neglecting their own personal growth and self-esteem.

Human beings are not recipients, but organisms, complex entities in terms of emotions and needs. And although we can have a relationship that helps us grow and be better, we must also take care of our own “garden” and attend to our needs accordingly. Let us reflect.

Your obligation is not to fill the gaps that others left

When a person feels the need to find a partner in order not to feel lonely, they are actually committing an act of authentic selfishness. Believe it or not, these types of behaviors are quite common. We analyze it.

When loneliness is a reflection of personal and emotional immaturity

It is important to differentiate between various types of loneliness. Let us think of our elderly, people who have led active, full and happy lives with their loved ones until old age. Loneliness is a fact that affects these people when they feel the loss of their spouses or the emptiness of not being able to see their children.

Now, on the other hand, we would have those people for whom loneliness is the reflection of “undeveloped capacities”, of an immaturity in terms of personal balance, self-esteem and security.

• No one should be afraid of feeling their own loneliness. It is a space that invites us to discover ourselves, to be ourselves and not have to force others to attend to our thoughts, to console us or to motivate us in moments of decay.

• Whoever fears loneliness does not appreciate himself. You are not known or expected to offer you the approval you need to feel good.
• People who need external reinforcement to find happiness can become tyrannical and domineering.
• They are childish characters in search of positive stimuli, recognition and affection for others but, at the same time, they rise up as personalities incapable of offering reciprocal love.

I don’t want you to need me, I want you to choose me

It is important to understand certain terms when it comes to relationships and relationships. In today’s society, romantic love still has a lot of weight, an image brought from the past based on these types of ideas:

• Love as a reflection of passion and the need to belong to each other.
• The love that is needed sees jealousy as a reflection of that affection, of that need to control the other person so that they are always by our side.

• If love is passion, there is only room for extremes, all or nothing. There is no space for yours and mine because the couple is an indissoluble unit.

As you can see, all these aspects lead to absolute control by both parties or by only one. Thus, it is vital to understand and define certain terms.

Needing to fill in the gaps is not always synonymous with a healthy relationship

It is clear that from the moment we want someone we “need it” in our lives, but it is not recommended that this need go hand in hand with these ideas:

• “I need you to be happy because if you leave me my world will not make sense.” This phrase implies that the other person does not know how to be alone and that they project all their personal needs onto me. It forces me, somehow, to fill in its gaps.

• Replace “I need you” with “I choose you. ” Something as simple as changing the words already implies other much more inclusive and healthy realities.
• Choosing a person means that I, a mature person, happy with himself and not afraid of loneliness, chooses you to live life, to grow together without submitting, without needing to heal my wounds.

Affective relationships are undoubtedly very complex. We find each other with past stories, failures, and particular experiences. The best thing to do is to start these projects, leaving aside the past, the fears or the gaps that others may have left us.

Choose your partner with the illusion of someone who starts a blank page and expects everything. Seek love when you feel ready, when you stop fearing loneliness and see yourself as a mature and happy person. Only then will you be able to offer the best of yourself.